not sure of a title yet
by silvercrystal023
Summary: im not really good at summaries lol so just read and please review


a/n:this is my first fic so be nice  
  
It was 4 P.M. sharp when Hotaru came in Rei's bed-room. She hadn't said even a simple "hi"; she sat down on Rei's bed and still could not raise her eyes and look at the face of her friend; she kept looking at her own knees for a very long and silent while; and she was sure that Rei had already foreboded what was about to happen in there. She was absolutely right: two weeks before that day, Rei began to dream dreams and see visions which showed something "dreadful" was going to happen between the two of them. But as for Hotaru, it was only last night she became able to feel that the time for the ultimate turning point of her life had finally appeared. She had woken up from a frightening nightmare; her entire body had been wetted by a cold, freezing, sweat; her breast was aching, feeling a strong and bitter pressure that came from her heart and hurt her skin; at first she was unable to move her body or open her eyes, but some minutes later she could finally get out of that catalepsy, and immediately burst into tears, the most painful ones she would ever taste. About fifteen minutes later, she knew exactly what to do — from that moment on, there was no other way she could lead her life. "I won't deny my true self anymore! I will go where my heart wants to take me — *with or without her!*" She called Rei on the telephone:  
  
– Rei?  
  
– Ya, it's me. Hotaru...  
  
– I need to talk to someone... No. I need to talk to YOU. I need to see you... as soon as possible. I mean it, I've got to have a very serious conversation with you... Please...  
  
Rei tried to get in touch with Hotaru's mind; she closed her eyes and for a moment focused her attention on a mental picture of Sailorsaturn, attempting to scan what Hotaru was feeling,... and could only feel that Hotaru was right; they really had to have that serious conversation; it had to happen right that same day. Yes, she, Rei, was afraid, too — but so what? Didn't her dreams and visions warn her about what was going to happen between her and Hotaru? She said:  
  
– Could you come here right today, around 4 P.M.?  
  
– 4 P.M.?... Ya, it'll be OK for me. Thank you very much, Rei. Sorry for having disturbed your sleep, but...  
  
– Don't be. Please. You know I'm your friend. Be here today at 4 P.M. I'm waiting for you. Good night.  
  
– Thank you again, Rei. Good night...  
  
That afternoon, the behaviors of Rei and Hotaru were going to be totally unusual, and unexpectable. When Rei opened the door to let her in, Hotaru just walked directly towards Rei's bed-room and entered it; and Rei's heart began to beat much faster the very moment she saw the deep sadness on the face of her friend. After having locked her bed-room's door, Rei sat down on the floor, before and close-to Hotaru, and looked at her eyes, but Hotaru still didn't dare to look at Rei's face. Then Rei very gently touched the left hand of Hotaru and said:  
  
– Hey!, what's up? I am here... and listening to you.  
  
Hotaru took a long and deep breath, and finally looked at Rei.  
  
– Rei... what are we the Sailorsenshi living for? What are we? Who we really are, humans or non-humans, common people or superhumans? Part-time "people" and part-time "Sailorsenshi"? Who am I really? What am I really? I would like to be myself only, and myself all time long! I do have always felt that I am not really human, and I guess I will never really be human. I don't like to be the ordinary "Hotaru", and I really don't like what I fight for when I turn into Sailorsaturn...  
  
  
  
["Oh no! Hotaru! You too? You've been bitten by the truth bug, too! Oh my cunt!, not that pain in my soul again, and not in *this* way, please! Why the fuck I might not be blessed with the kindness of ignorance, the bliss of unconsciousness? It looks like this is the day I'll be finally captured by my fucky destiny... Shit!"]  
  
– What????? Hey!, speak less quickly, please!  
  
– ...because... why the fuck the things we were in our past lives will always and ever have to rule what we do in *this* life? Or, who knows, why not? Rather, this stuff don't really matter at all! I *am* Sailorsaturn, so why the fuck I cannot be Sailorsaturn twenty-four hours a day? My cunt!, I don't have any real need for living even a millisecond of my life-time as the ordinary Tomoe Hotaru! Why wouldn't I ever be allowed to be Sailorsaturn just for the pleasure of being myself? Do you know what, according to my not so humble opinion, to have to live like a "super-hero" means? It means..., no!, it doesn't mean a thing, indeed it smells like schizophrenia!  
  
Then Hotaru closed her eyes and put her right hand on the right hand of Rei; she had to find out the right words to keep on talking that way, to keep on showing her true feelings; Rei was shivering, and didn't know what to say, because what Hotaru was telling her... was 100% hard truth, and once again she was experiencing the fear of the unavoidable consequences that would come from accepting that truth.  
  
"So you're afraid too, huh? As it should be. I do know exactly what you're feeling and why you're feeling it; 'cause I've been feeling that you're just enough a lot like me; the only thing I still haven't wanted to know is whether you are gonna dare to change your heart just like I am doing today..." — Hotaru thought. Then she continued:  
  
– I mean... I really am not afraid of being lonely, or alone, but... I'm so tired of being lonely! You said, you say, that you're my friend; matter of fact all Sailorsenshi tell me the same. But is *this* really friendship? I mean, friendship will never be allowed or supposed to be more, much more than this disguised emptiness I guess it truely is? Chibi-usa was my first true friend, I used to think; but lately I've found out that I was so despaired because of the depth of my loneliness that I had to accept anything, the first thing, that could ease the pain I was going through... even the hollow-headed Chibi-usa! I really never could stand her, but I also had been so weak that I had had to think and misfeel that to keep on being alone was much worse than having a friend like her!  
  
– I... I see, but... And what about your parents? Haven't you ever felt the love they once dedicated to you? — ["NO!!!!! What the fuck have I just spoken? I don't believe it's happened!"]  
  
– Love? From my *parents*? WHAT DO *YOU* MEAN?  
  
– Sorry!, I...  
  
– No! Never! I cannot evaluate the shit that happens between your father and you, Rei, but I do speak the truth for myself, and I dare say that my parents never never loved the real *me*. I do mean that they were loving the parts of themselves they could see in me, actually they were loving the parts of themselves that they could make me mirror back towards them! That is, what they loved was never me, but the set of results from their educational labour, their so-called "daughter" —  
  
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!?  
  
Hearing that scream, Rei was not afraid anymore; she was scared, and it was her turn to escape — from Hotaru's eyes.  
  
– Sorry, forgive me, please! I really didn't intend... but I couldn't help it...  
  
– I know.  
  
–  
  
–  
  
– Well... As for Setsuna, Michiru and Haruka... today it's impossible for me to believe that they have ever loved me, or even liked me... you don't know how hard, how painful it was when I could wake up to the fact that their *only* interest in me has been not to allow Sailorsaturn to become her *true* self, the Senshi of Destruction...  
  
  
  
– No!, you're wrong!  
  
– Yes, I'm right! And you know what? Have you ever wondered *why* Mistress 9 possessed my body? Wait a minute!, I don't mean that "easy" answer!  
  
– ?  
  
– Ever wondered why I did *attract* her to my life, to my body? Wouldn't it be because she and I were *alike*? Rather, because she and I *are* alike? Because down deep inside I am exactly like Mistress 9 was? As she invaded my body... wouldn't I be just punishing myself, for having denied my *true* nature? Wouldn't she be just using my body right because one fuckingly stupid day I refused to do the kind of job that *I* had to do, that *I* always was supposed and meant to do?  
  
– No!, that's a terrible mistake! We all know that she possessed your body because of the supreme destructive powers of Sailorsaturn, no doubt about this, but you have nothing to do with her, you use your powers to help Sailormoon and protect this planet...  
  
– Exactly! That's *the* point! Have *I* ever said that I *really* want to use *my* powers in order to help Sailormoon and protect this planet? Who are we Sailorsenshi? Slaves to Sailormoon? Do we *have* to be slaves to that hollow-headed slut? Why must we have to do with her concerns? Matter of fact, what do we really have to do with her? *Friendship*? Today this word makes no sense to me, lately I have overlearned that it means a hollow shell that I can't stand no more, for I am not human, I mean I don't want to have to be a hypocrite! *Loyalty*? First of all I must be loyal to my true self, and my true self has been telling me this: "Fuck Sailormoon!" And why is she our leader? She even is not the strongest one among us all, her actual power has always been much less than she has made us all believe! At least she could be the wisest Sailorsenshi... Usagi, wise? Ha ha ha! I would easily knock her down and wipe my feet upon her tits! Even you could and should have done it sometimes, if you didn't have that "secret" interest in her...  
  
– Do I have a "secret" interest in Usagi?... What d'ya mean?  
  
– You want her.  
  
– WHAT????? — Rei's eyes were more fierce-looking than ever, attempting to mean: "You're completely nuts!", but actually she was thinking: "How the fuck did you find it out?" However Hotaru just put her left middle finger on Rei's forehead and said:  
  
– Matter of fact you want Minako too. Don't you... *really*?  
  
Rei had to close her eyes again.  
  
– Yes, I do. *Really*. Sorry.  
  
– For what?  
  
–  
  
–  
  
– For having tried to lie.  
  
– Don't be.  
  
The eyes of Hotaru were adoring the face and the body of her "friend"; she thought: "Why Usagi? Why Minako? Why not *me*? Why do you dislike yourself so much? Why, how, can you be so blind? Why... Damn it! Does it matter... now? Maybe very soon you will destroy me, otherwise I will destroy you... No, Hino Rei, I would never dare to destroy *you*... Our few happy moments... won't ever be? Damn it!"  
  
– That's it... Now that I know that I am not human, that I'm sure I don't want to become human, and that I do believe that we all Sailorsenshi should be totally ourselves, not just a team of superpowered cops...  
  
– Cops?????  
  
– Ya, cops... If the humans themselves don't ever give a damn about protecting *their* homeworld, then why my cunt should *we* do it? It's completely nonsensical! As for Sailormoon, isn't she the "Number One"? So, why the hell isn't she able to fight alone, depending on her own strength only? Would she ever dare to fight her enemies if the other Senshi were not always around, ready to make her victories be possible? Would she ever dare to face Death all by herself, doing without people who live and die for her? Let me be absolutely crystal clear, would she ever be able to exist all by herself as Sailormoon, without depending on the existence of people like you, Minako, whoever? *Would she*? No!, for she's really weak, she's cowardly!, and after all, you too have been nothing but a slave to a wimp! I cannot speak in the name of you and the other Sailorsenshi, but I state that from now on I myself have nothing to do with Sailormoon!  
  
–  
  
–  
  
– Hotaru... Are you serious?  
  
– Yes, I am.  
  
– So... You won't help her anymore...  
  
– It'll be worse than that. As the Senshi of Destruction, my present job is to take the control of the destiny of this planet off the hands of mankind...  
  
– Hotaru!  
  
– ... and to destroy whoever gets in the way.  
  
– You do know you are unable to defeat all the other Senshi!  
  
– Yes. So I will be fought and destroyed by all of you.  
  
– No!  
  
– Yes. You and the other Senshi will have no choice.  
  
– Hotaru!... *Why*? — asked Rei, with a cry in her voice.  
  
– Because it's my wish. This is what I actually want to be — and to do. It's my... fate.  
  
Rei stood up. She was feeling so ashamed! All those things Hotaru had just told her, she did know they were all true; the difference between Saturn and Mars... really, there were things that Hotaru didn't fear anymore, but she, Rei, kept on fearing; all those truths that her own crystal perfect thinking had revealed to her so many times before, and that so many times she refused to validate, they finally had shown their full strength, spoken by other person, making her tell herself: "You coward!" Yes, she had been cowardly, for too long; and from that moment on, there was no decent way of living(or dying!) except obeying the call of her heart: "my Fire was not meant to create, and never meant to preserve — my Fire is meant to destroy, because now is the time for Destruction!".  
  
How many times had she too wondered how fine it would be if she could be Sailormars all the time? How many times had she wished she could be Sailormars for the pleasure of being her true self, Sailormars, without ever having a thing to do with Sailormoon's reality and concerns? How many times had she tried to kill her oversilly crush on Usagi and Minako? How many times had she refused to show and to use her Ice Attacks? How many times had she felt absurdly ashamed for the fact that her Ice Attacks were actually more powerful than her Fire Attacks? "The obligation that I've made... for the title that they gave me!" How many times had she wished to live in a place where the sounds of television, radio, telephones and shitty people couldn't ever come to her ears? How many times had she realized that the so-called love she used to feel for her ojii-san had always been nothing but an illusion? How many times had she wished to kill her father and to do without any stupid need for guilt or self-punishment? How many times had she wished to have the strength to let her "queerness" show? How many times had she felt sorrow for enjoying the pleasure to kill — the multi-orgasmic sunshine in her stomach that only by killing an enemy she could give to herself — ? How many times had she denied the opportunities of being herself?  
  
Too many, too many, too many! And the very day she had come to be sure that she was really not crazy, that "she was not the only one", what had she just tried to do? To deny that Hotaru was closer than ever to Reality, to deny that her own inner truth could never be far from Reality! "You coward! Shame on you!" She finally might begin to feel true happiness, for Fate had just sent her a very nice gift, Saturn herself, at last someone truely worth to trust and to serve; however she still couldn't help feeling some more hesitation, some more guilt, some more fear, some more crap; "Shame on me!". She sat down on her bed, beside Hotaru.  
  
– Hotaru... please look into my eyes. Good. Listen, I cannot believe you're that serious.["Liar!"] If you really intended to fight Sailormoon, why the heck would you ever warn us about your goals? It makes no sense! In this way, for you there really will be no possibility of defeating her.  
  
– There never would be. As you have just pointed out, I am all alone, against all of you together, so for what to attack Sailormoon by surprise? There would be no point in it. Besides, it won't ever be that easy for anyone to get to kill me, anyhow.  
  
– In fact... It would make no difference at all... But there is still something that's not very... I mean...  
  
– I feel what you're wondering, why I chose *you* to listen to me?  
  
–  
  
–  
  
– Ya. Why not Sailormoon herself? Why *me*? — ["I do know why: somehow, you already knew that, in the end, I would follow in your footsteps; I *will* follow you — even into the inevitable death!"]  
  
"So she wants to keep playing the test game. Her fear still hopes that I won't confirm the things she already knows... Will she... Damn it! Fuck *my* fear, I must end this now!" — Hotaru finally found the strength to say:  
  
– Because... because if I had the help from you, the Senshi of Fire, I could actually defeat not only Sailormoon but *all* her other allies too — especially my fucky Setsuna-mama and her obscene time tricks!...  
  
– *Actually*???!  
  
– *Yes*.  
  
–  
  
–  
  
– I see... but... do you really believe that *I* would ever dare to *betray* Sailormoon?  
  
– And why not? After all, to "betray" her won't ever be worse than to keep on betraying *yourself*!  
  
– !  
  
– !!  
  
– Am I that transparent to your eyes?  
  
– Still any doubts?  
  
–  
  
–  
  
– Well... and... are you absolutely *sure* that I can become that powerful?  
  
– Yes, I *am*.  
  
–  
  
–  
  
– Hotaru!, I'm with you!  
  
– !!  
  
– !!!  
  
The revolutionary girl stood up and asked:  
  
– Will you follow me?!  
  
Hino Rei stood up too, and replied:  
  
– Yes!  
  
–  
  
–  
  
Hotaru took heart and continued:  
  
– Even to our... death?  
  
– *Yes*!  
  
–  
  
–  
  
Looking deep into her friend's eyes, Hotaru finally asked:  
  
– Even to our... *love*?   
  
Rei found that she shouldn't really be feeling that surprised, although she was really feeling so; on that decisive afternoon, she had seen firstly Hotaru's sadness, then her rage, and at last she was staring at her deepest need, maybe the greatest of her weaknesses, perhaps her only one. Her need for love. Hino Rei didn't know that the girl with the power to destroy an entire planet could ever seem and *be* so vulnerable, so fragile, so weak, so despaired, — and so helpless, as she was daring to show on that moment of singularity and transition — probably the most honest moment in her whole existence. After having just experienced that "revelation", Rei definitely accepted that both Hotaru and she herself actually belonged nowhere, no epoch, no type of social group ever known, so that they would have to create their own space, their own time, and their own... people — somehow. "She *really* is not that different from *you*, Hino Rei — can you see it *now*? Now I do understand, now I do feel — if I were living *her* life, I myself would not and could not act differently than she's doing... Now I'm more than sure of my real destiny — *our* real destiny." After considering her own hopeless devotion to Usagi and Minako one more time, Rei concluded: "I've got to give my real love and my real life to the ones who truly want them, the ones who truly *deserve* them. And I am going to do it *now*". Hotaru's defenses were totally down — the rest of her life was depending absolutely on the answer that Rei was going to give to her last question; her aura was completely open-wide, and her friend could easily destroy her mind if she wished so — but the Hino Rei she was bringing to the light would not disappoint her expectation.   
  
–  
  
–  
  
– Yes, Hotaru. I will *learn* to love you.  
  
– © © ©!  
  
– Be sure I'll do it, Saturn! In the name of Mars, I swear I'll do it!  
  
– STARTING RIGHT NOW?  
  
– *HAI*!  
  
Rei thought: "Fuck my fear! Nothing's gonna stop me now!". Hotaru was showing her hunger for love in her violet eyes, and Rei just couldn't help feeling the same kind of hunger beginning to rise inside of her mouth. "I'm learning quickly. My cunt!, how the fuck could I have been that blind? She is so *beautiful*... she is delicious!" Hotaru touched the lips of the Senshi of Fire with the tip of her tongue. Rei did not resist.  
  
  
  
*****************  
  
Two hours later, Sailorsaturn and Sailormars teleported to the Antarctic. From there they were going to rule the entire planet. But first they had to learn to feel and to move as one. Under the phantasmagoric light of the aurora australis Saturn showed Mars how to increase enormously the Senshi powers by extracting energy directly from the center of the Earth and from the core of any star, and how to focus the energy of the Senshi attacks upon even the smallest targets. With those techniques, not long ago Saturn had learned how to control the intensity of her new attacks and how to guide their power towards a chosen target, so that she could finally destroy her opponents without risking to destroy herself too any more. She always suspected that Mars could use Ice Attacks, but she didn't expect that Mars had already mastered them so finely. The only thing that Mars didn't know about her Ice Powers was that they could be combined to her Fire Powers: Saturn taught her how to create the Selective Steam Shell — a defensive move even more efficient than the Silence Wall, for it could be totally insensitive to the time tricks and the Dead Scream of Sailorpluto — and the Cold Fire Blast, which could be as destructive as the faster-than-light Silence Glaive Scalar ShockWave — and how to use both powers simultaneously.  
  
– My cunt! *Cold*... *black*... flames! I would never imagine that flames, *my* flames, could actually be cold... or black... Wow!  
  
– I see that the first black flames are "unforgettable", Mars, but... can you *already* match my Purple Plasma Stream? Would you like to "test your might" right now?  
  
– Yep... Let me try it!  
  
– So here it goes! PLASMA STREAM! — and Sailorsaturn used her Silence Glaive to shoot a stream of bright purple plasma at Sailormars.  
  
– COLD FIRE! — and the hands of Sailormars threw a flux of cold black flames against Saturn's Plasma Stream. The two streams of materialized altered bioplasma reached a deadlock.  
  
–  
  
–  
  
–  
  
– I feel I cannot match your Plasma Stream yet! Please stop!  
  
–  
  
– ???  
  
–  
  
– HEY!, I SAID STOP!  
  
– NOT YET, MY LOVE! — and Saturn just did turn up her Purple Plasma Stream.  
  
– I CANNOT STAND IT!  
  
– YES YOU CAN!! SCALAR SHOCKWAVE!,...  
  
– WHAT YOU'RE DOING????? NOOOOOOO!!!  
  
– ...NOW!!!  
  
The explosion caused by the minimum intensity of the Scalar ShockWave would have overkilled Sailormars if she was not protected by her Steam Shell.  
  
– Wake up now you lazy bitch! Stand up!  
  
– HEY! WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO YOU?  
  
– Stop complaining! Are you *hurt*?  
  
–  
  
–  
  
– No... Really not!  
  
– Feel any pain?  
  
– ... No... I was not harmed at all!  
  
– And that was due to the *minimum* level of virtual solidity of your new-born Steam Shell... have understood, have *felt* why one must learn resistance before ever learning strength? Understood why you *had* to learn the Steam Shell before learning the Cold Fire? And keep in mind, in the end your Steam Shell will protect you against Sailorpluto, but it won't pursue and won't defeat her! The moment your Cold Fire is able to match my new Senshi Attacks is the moment the two of us are able to destroy my fucky Setsuna-mama — and only then we'll bring Revolution to this world.  
  
– Ya... I agree, but... why the heck...  
  
– Just because your actual enemy won't ever tell you what their strategy is!  
  
–  
  
–  
  
– I see... You're right.  
  
– Yes, I know it...  
  
– !!  
  
– Listen: when I say that I love you, I mean that I will always help you to do your best. And I do expect you will learn to do the same for me.  
  
– OK... I guess the first lessons are meant to be "unforgettable", too.  
  
– So to speak... How about a break for kissing?  
  
– Nice idea!  
  
Mars' twenty-fifth Cold Fire Blast had been simply more than "unforgettable": she just shot it at the ocean, and thus created a six hundred meter high tidal wave; perfectly protected by the outshiningly bright-yellow aura of the Selective Steam Shell, that gigantic artificial tsunami really was an extremely scary phenomenon...  
  
– Fuckingly beautiful!!! — Saturn exclaimed.  
  
– Yes! it is!!!... Sailorsaturn!, in the name of Mars I'll punish anybody who gets in our way — I swear!  
  
  
  
so what do you think? please review and letme know! 


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